The beautiful Erica of Honeybee Boutique sent me this tank top from her adorable line of tshirts. And let me be honest… This week it has felt extra appropriate. I can’t put my finger on it, but I have felt extra messy lately. Like our home needs to be purged of stuff. Like I can never get on top of housework, like I’m failing on all social media fronts (more on that another time) like I’m not doing all the things I should be doing as a mom…
It could be the change of seasons–in spring, I want to lighten my life, and spring cleaning goes with that. It could be my husbands coaching schedule which has him home later at night. It could be that I just haven’t been feeling 100% physically…I’m run down and tired despite Redmonds good sleeping schedule and my own early bedtime. I don’t know what it is. I yearn for heat and sun and feeling humidity on my skin, and being outside all day. This happens to me most years– by April I am finished. In Thailand, where I grew up, April was the zenith of the hot season. We celebrated it with Song Kran, a Buddhist holiday that has morphed (at least in Chiangmai) into a gigantic city wide water fight. I think my bones yearn for that warmth, even after having lived in America for sixteen years.
I have a tendency to put a lot of pressure on myself– I’m sure you can relate. I have always kept myself busy, and as a mom, it is even more intense. I find myself thinking, “Oh my gosh, should I be teaching Redmond his colors? Should I be singing about his head, shoulders, knees, and toes? Should he be eating more or differently? Am I failing? Am I failing? AM I A FAILURE?” You feel me? Even if I know that I am a good mother, intellectually, it is so easy to spiral down that rabbit hole of self doubt and self loathing, and end up where? At the bottom. In a mess.
It is an exercise in self control to remind myself that I am enough. I could always be doing more. I could have a cleaner house, I could make more baked goods, fancier meals, have a better blog, start teaching Redmond his alphabet (I kid) and on and on and on–but I am, right now, enough. My son is beloved. By myself and my husband. To Redmond, I am a perfect mommy. He loves me purely and without question. And this life of mine? It is wonderful. A wonderful mess.