Breastfeeding: the journey
by lovelysimply
I haven’t talked about breastfeeding since This post, when the weather was scorching, Redmond was a newborn, and I was struggling with the difficult (for us) task of nursing. Almost five months later, things are very different. I wanted to write about my experience because during the first nearly THREE months of breastfeeding, it was not easy for me. It hurt. I got mastitis. Twice. I had blisters. It took forever. I spent so much time trying to find examples of proper latches. Or latches that got better. Or nursing that improved. Everything I found included things like multiple specialist visits (which I tried a few times to no avail) surgery for tongue ties, or exclusive pumping. Honestly, I just wanted to find a story of survival even if it didn’t get better. I told myself finally that I could handle the pain. Red was getting plenty of nutrition and growing by leaps and bounds and the discomfort wouldn’t kill me. But I still cried over him when he nursed sometimes and I still wondered if it would ever get better. I stressed about whether I had thrush, whether he had thrush, and whether my blisters would ever go away. I stressed over weaning him off the nipple shield, stressed when he tried to nurse without it and my over-active letdown choked him, and stressed that I was a bad mother for just sticking with the nipple shield.
But then suddenly (really suddenly) at around three months, the pain went away. The blisters heeled. His latch got deeper. He stayed on without me having to hold my breast for him. It was easy. Almost over night. He started going three hours or more between feedings and finished up in ten minutes when he ate. I could hold him to me with one arm. We still used (and use) the shield, but other than that we nursed like normal people.
Now we are nearly six months in and at last it truly is easy. And I enjoy it, which I honestly wasn’t sure would ever happen. I still sometimes feel like a failure for using the nipple shield, but it works for us. My supply is high, and my baby is in the 97th percentile for height and the 75th for weight. He’s doing fine. We are doing fine. It just took time. Time for his mouth to get bigger to improve his latch, and for my nipples to get tough enough to handle it all. I truly considered giving up during the second month when it was still frequently excruciating to nurse. I thought it would never change. I was so frustrated hearing people talk about the magic of breastfeeding and how natural it all was because for me, I didn’t experience those things. It wasn’t magical. It sure as hell didn’t come naturally to me. But I’m so glad we stuck with it.
All this to say, if you’re having a hard time but want to continue, don’t give up. Give it some time. Maybe a lot of time. If, of course, you’re baby is getting the nutrition he needs. Those first 11 weeks or so that I struggled already seem distant and unimportant. All that matters now is seeing Redmonds sweet, milky smile when he looks up at me in the middle of a nurse just to see me. Because he loves me. And my goodness, I love him.
Nursing cover c/o Cover me poncho (it also converts into a car seat cover, a poncho, and a scarf. Plus it’s pretty)
I’ve never commented before but I’ve been reading your blog since you were pregnant because I was as well! I love this post so much because I’m still using a nipple shield for my 3 month old and I have the biggest mom guilt! I had tons of pain in the beginning as well and was told over and over that it shouldn’t hurt. Well it did, so now what? Come to find out he had a bad tongue tie. I had a lactation consultant come to my house when my son was 3 weeks old and flat out said unless he has tongue tie snipped, you’re going to need the shield and yet to this day I feel like I’m half assing breastfeeding. Which is SO dumb because just like you my supply is fantastic, I would even say I have oversupply most of the time, and my son is thriving. I think we’re just too hard on ourselves! I’m so happy to hear everything is working out with Red and nursing. Isn’t it great to look back on the early weeks and realize what you thought was the biggest deal in the world really wasn’t? Like everyone kept telling me, it all works out and it did!
So true and I love this story. I think I feel guilty about the shield only when people are like ” you’re STILL using that?” Well yes. Because it works and it’s not worth the fight to ween him when it’s not harming anything. And I also have STRUGGLED with over supply. So I think we are fine, you and I. Just because the shield gets a side eye doesn’t mean it’s bad haha
My sweet sisterfriend, I’m so thankful to have this insight. You are a warrior and a shining example. You’re a damn good mother, nipple-shields and all. xox
I’m so happy to hear that it all worked out in the end. You’re such a good mama for sticking it out and allowing time to heal, literally. So many other women will read this and know whatever their breastfeeding struggles are it’s OK. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you so much for saying this and I’m sorry I’m replying like a million years later! It means a LOT to me
[…] months (are you scared yet? Don’t be. But I cannot tell a lie.) and come out the other side here. I could go on and on for DAYS about breastfeeding, but suffice to say, it was nothing like I […]